2 Howlers, Some Polyjuice Potion and A German Speaking Dog
by Majestic Big Biscuit
Summary: Inspired by a series of texts posts floating around on Tumblr. The title kinda says it all, just a one-shot fic about Marauder shenanigans


She was sitting in the Great Hall, eating her breakfast when it came. As the mail rained down from the roof, it landed on her lap. The red envelope of a howler.

The people on the table around her went silent as conversations were forgotten and words dropped out of the air. Food fell off forks and the bacon turned to dust in Lily Evans' mouth.

"Hey, schaut, hat Evans einen Heuler bekommen!" Someone yelled.

"Open it!" Said another person.

Lily picked up the howler with shaky hands, remembering everything she could have done to upset someone. She flinched as she opened it and it screamed:

"NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN!"

Lily knew who the culprits were immediately, even before the song ended. That evening she stormed into the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Where are they?!" She screamed, startling Peter. He looked up from his book timidly. Lily marched over to him and slammed her hands down on the table he was doing his homework on. "Where. Are. They." Her face was a bright red, from anger or embarrassment, Peter could not say.

"W-w-w-wh-who?" Peter stammered.

"Your little friends! Potter and Black and Lupin too!"

"P-P-Potter is in detention, Lupin is in the library and I don't know where Sirius is."

"Liar! Where is Black?!"

"I don't know! I'm not lying! I don't understand German!"

"What's German got to do with this?"

Peter sighed. "It's a long story."

* * *

It all started with the library.

"You're such a bookworm, Moony." Sirius teased as Remus was browsing through the aisles of the library.

Remus sighed aggressively. "It's not here."

"What are you looking for, Moony?" Peter asked.

"I'm looking for a book that'll help me learn other languages."

Sirius laughed. "What do you want to do that for?"

"It seems like a cool thing to do. You know, be fluent in another language and no one knows but in time of disaster I'm fluent in Russian or something."

"I have no idea why that would be helpful to you. That's an idiotic idea." Sirius chuckled.

"Hey guys, stop screwing around with other languages and stuff and check this out!" James came running up to them with a large book underneath his arm. "Now this is what it's at." He said opening to a page in the book.

"You too, Prongs? You're all insane."

"Don't be so hasty, Padfoot, this is no ordinary book." James looked around with caution. "This book is from the Forbidden Section."

"How'd you get it?" Remus whispered.

"I have my ways. Look at this! Polyjuice potion. You can turn into any person you like if you have just a strand of their hair."

"See, Moony, this is what you should be doing with your time," Sirius smirked "Not learning Russian or some other dumb language."

"Shut up, Sirius," Remus scowled.

"Come on guys, I have a brilliant idea. It'll take a month, but it'll be so worth it." James smiled.

A week before the plan was set to go off, Remus got a howler at the breakfast table. He sighed and opened it. It screeched at such a volume that the whole Great Hall heard it:

"I WANT TO TOUCH YOUR SWEET BUTT!"

The hall burst out into laughter as Remus glared at Sirius, forming a plot to murder him.

Remus did not in fact murder Sirius, but he did get his revenge. As the boys sat around in the girls bathroom, waiting for James to arrive, Remus placed a charm on Sirius.

James swaggered into the room holding a single, long, grey hair and some dusty old man's robes. "Dumbledore." He said with no further explanation. James proceeded to put the hair in the polyjuice potion and down the concoction. He retched, but didn't vomit.

Right in front of Remus, Sirius and Peter, he changed. Where their best friend had stood once before, was their headmaster.

"Süß," Sirius murmured. "Warten, was?!"

"What happened?" James asked.

"You look like Dumbledore and Sirius is speaking…German?" Peter said.

"Yes, German," Remus smiled. "Doesn't seem so stupid to know another language now, does it, Padfoot?"

Sirius yelled something angry in German.

"What is he saying?" James asked.

"He's saying you make a very spiffing Dumbledore."

"I don't think we should be playing around with this stuff guys," Peter said nervously. "Nothing good will come of it."

James made his best Dumbledore impression, "Well now, Wormtail, if you don't like it then piss off." It was quite a good impersonation except for the curse, which was rather out of character.

Peter sighed and walked away saying, "I'm not gonna get in trouble again because of you three."

Sirius murmured.

"Agreed," Remus laughed.

James changed into the old robes and grinned like an idiot. "Do you think I'll fool anyone?"

"You need to act more like Dumbledore and less like James," Remus suggested.

"Very well then," Remus spent the next half-hour helping James act more like their headmaster while Sirius cursed and groaned and became frustrated with the whole German languages his incapability to communicate with anyone who can't speak German.

"I do believe you are ready, Headmaster," Remus grinned.

"Let's go give Snivellus the scare of his life," James laughed.

James never did get to scare the fluffy socks off of Severus Snape with his plan. James started to make his way from the girls bathroom down to the Slytherin Common Room with Remus and a-rather-annoyed-and-frustrated-Sirius casually sneaking around behind him. He turned a corner and bumped into the last person you would want to bump into in this situation.

"I did not realise I had an clone," Professor Dumbledore chuckled.

James had to think quickly, "Or maybe it is I who has the clone,"

Dumbledore frowned, "That is a good point. But seeing as though neither of us have any proof for our contentions, neither of us can punish each other or be punished."

"Well, I guess that means we'll just have to let each other off on our merry ways,"

"Indeed. Goodnight, Professor Dumbledore,"

"Goodnight Professor Dumbledore," The real Dumbledore scuttled off in the opposite direction.

James sighed with relief. "That was close," he said in his own voice, breaking character.

"Close, but no cigar," Came the reply from behind him. Professor McGonagall.

Shit.

"I will see you in detention, Potter."

"I can't believe you two bailed on me without warning me McGonagall was coming!" James said that night in the common room.

"We would've," Remus said, "But that would have alerted her of our own presence, which would have defeated the purpose on us bailing so we don't get into trouble."

Sirius garbled something in German.

Remus smirked.

"If I'm going to detention without even doing anything wrong-"

"You were out of bed after hours," Peter interrupted. "I told you no good would come from it."

"Shut up, Wormtail. Anyway," Potter continued, "If I'm going to detention, I may as well do something worthy of it. I'm going to send a howler to Evans tomorrow morning."

* * *

"And so here we are," Peter concluded.

"You expect me to believe that rubbish?" Lily scowled.

Before Peter could answer, Sirius burst into the room, dragging Remus by the ear.

He screamed something in German.

Remus chuckled, "Okay, okay! I'll let you off." Remus removed the charm from Sirius with a flick of his wand. "There, better?"

Sirius breathed in deeply, closing his eyes, as if only being able to speak German for a few days was sucking the air from his lungs. "Beaucoup," he replied. Sirius' eyes snapped open. Remus started to run away laughing as Sirius turned the beautiful language of love into one filled with hate and many promises of things being shoved up where the sun doesn't shine.

Lily rolled her eyes, seeing as Peter had indeed told the truth. She decided that she would get revenge another day. In the meantime, she would be plotting the greatest vengeance ever pulled off.


End file.
